If you had told me when I was 21 that I would still be unmarried at 33, I may have actually died. I have always wanted to get married and have children. By God’s grace, I’ve truly enjoyed much of my single years, but the desire for marriage has always been there. I know I’m not the only person who desires marriage and children but is still single. It’s a strange path to walk when you’re 21 and all your friends are getting married. It’s stranger when you’re 33 and the kids you used to babysit start getting married before you do!

Walking through unwanted singleness into my thirties has forced me to think more carefully about the Bible’s teaching on marriage, singleness, and disappointment in general. Over the years, I’ve come across biblical resources that have helped put the desire for marriage in its proper place and encouraged me to live my single years with an eternal perspective. But what would the whole counsel of God’s Word say to the person who desires a God-glorifying marriage, is committed to finding a spouse with biblical wisdom, and yet, marriage does not come?

It has been helpful for me to think through unwanted singleness in three biblical categories: gift, trial, and loss. Recognizing the different dimensions of unwanted singleness helps pinpoint how the Bible speaks to each aspect. As always, God’s Word is sufficient and equips us for faithfulness.

Gift

The most popular passage about singleness is found in 1 Corinthians 7. Paul says, “I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another” – referring to either the gift of singleness or the gift of marriage (1 Corinthians 7:7). There has been much debate surrounding what exactly the “gift of singleness” means, but if we stick close to scripture, we can clear up a lot of confusion. 

According to the Bible, the gift of singleness is an external circumstance, not an internal disposition. The word “gift” is mentioned one time in 1 Corinthians 7, and it is in reference to the state of being single or the state of being married. Paul says people either have the gift of marriage or the gift of singleness – a marital circumstance given from God. So, if we are single, we currently have that gift. If we are married, we currently have that gift. 

Later in the chapter, Paul points out some advantages of being single: 

“The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:32b-34

Sam Allberry provides helpful insight on these verses: “Paul is not saying that singleness is spiritual and marriage is unspiritual. Nor is he saying that singleness is easy but marriage is hard. No, the contrast is between complexity and simplicity. Married life is more complicated; singleness is more straightforward.”^[1] 

Paul observes that single people do not have the built in complexity that married people do and are generally free – in their less complex lives – to engage in the things of the Lord in a unique, focused way. According to Paul, and the witness of the rest of scripture,^[2] singleness is a great advantage in the kingdom of God. It is an opportune situation to be about the things of the Lord.

Because there is often so much baggage surrounding the term “gift of singleness,” it may be helpful to see how a biblical definition corrects some common ways of misunderstanding it. Here are a few things the gift of singleness is not.

1) Singleness is not permanent. Because the gift of singleness is simply our current situation, it can change. If a single person desires to get married, it is not wrong to date or pursue marriage. Paul encourages those who desire to get married to get married (1 Corinthians 7:9), and the Bible affirms a high view of marriage.^[3] While marriage can be idolized just like anything else, those who want to get married desire something God created, instituted, and said is good. Whether or not a person ever gets married on earth is ultimately in the Lord’s hands. But singleness, just like marriage, is temporary. In the new heavens and the new earth, believers will all be “the Bride, the wife of the Lamb” (Revelation 21:9).

2) Singleness is not our master. Having the gift of singleness does not mean that a single person should be a frantic ministry machine. Singleness is not our master – God is. Single people are still image bearers to whom the rest of God’s Word applies. Singles should use their unique margin and flexibility for kingdom building, but they should also engage in biblical rest and deeply enjoy life to the glory of God (Exodus 20:8-11, Ecclesiastes 5:18-20). Single people are also not paying their singleness dues and once they’ve served enough, they’ll get the gift of marriage. Both marital statuses are gifts given – or taken away – based on God’s wisdom and prerogative, not performance. 

3) Singleness is not a spiritual gift. Lifelong singleness, or a season of it, is not a spiritual gift to be exercised, but simply a circumstance in which to be faithful to God:

“Spiritual gifts are meant to build up the body of Christ. Obviously, singles are to strengthen the church too—but not by virtue of being single. Rather, singles do it by exercising their spiritual gifts, just like everyone else. Your singleness isn’t a spiritual gift then, but it is a gift from God, one He wants you to receive and enjoy with thanksgiving. If you’re single, your singleness is a gift; if you’re married, your marriage is a gift. If your marital status changes, God has given you a different situation within which to follow Him.” ^[4]

Single people should be using their spiritual gifts while they are unmarried, knowing that if God chooses to provide a spouse for them, they will be using those same gifts in a different setting. 

Singleness is our gift if it is the current situation God has for us. We do well to thank Him for it, enjoy it worshipfully, and leverage its advantages for the kingdom of God. But unwanted singleness is a gift in another sense as well. Christians believe that everything in our lives come to us from the hand of God, including the things we don’t want. So, if we have singleness when what we actually desire is marriage, we have a trial – a particular kind of gift. Thankfully, the Bible has a lot to say about these kinds of gifts.

Trial

Troubles and trials are an enormous theme in scripture. Ultimately, all pain is a result of the fall of man, but God promises to use hardship in the life of the believer to grow our faith and produce maturity. In God’s wisdom and love, He turns trials into faith building exercises for His people on their way to glory. While unwanted singleness is a light trial in comparison to others, the muscle needed to walk through unwanted singleness is the same muscle needed to walk through any unwanted thing: the muscle of faith. 

Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” The thing “hoped for” and “not seen” here is not marriage. This verse is talking about all of God’s promises to those who believe in Him. God has not promised us marriage, pleasant circumstances, or many other things we may want. But He has promised us infinitely more glorious things: forgiveness of sin, fellowship with Him, an eternal place in His family, a role to play in the growth of that family, sustaining and comfort in every trial, an inheritance in heaven that is unfading and imperishable, a day when tears and sorrow will be gone, and the absolute confidence that we will not be disappointed with how our lives played out. 

Whatever trial we are going through is not essentially about the trial. It’s about us and God. Do we trust Him? Do we believe His Word? Are we living for His kingdom or our own? Instead of focusing only on Paul’s words about singleness to gain wisdom for unwanted singleness, we should look also at what the Bible says about living the ordinary Christian life – which includes unwanted circumstances and daily walking by faith. These concepts take up much more space in our Bibles than teaching on singleness does, and we would be wise to order our reading and teaching accordingly.

Seeing unwanted singleness as a trial also helps those in the body of Christ truly relate to one another – not based on our unique trials, but on our common faith. For example, I know very few women my age that are still single – and I do find encouragement in godly women who share my circumstance. But I have found a jackpot of encouragement in sharing life with believers in my local church who are living with trials of various kinds. We may have an assortment of unwanted circumstances, but we share the same source of strength: the promises of God. For single people, our best comrades may not be other single people — but fellow Christ-followers who are holding fast to the Word of God in the midst of their own struggles.

Let us not miss out on an opportunity to exercise our faith and receive the ministry of the body of Christ. When we see unwanted singleness only for its advantages and not its hardships, we ignore reality and hinder the growth of faith muscles. We also miss out on mutual ministry among believers. Chances are, there is an area in every Christian’s life that is hard for them to trust God with – whether it’s singleness or something else. The married and the unmarried can find common ground through mutual vulnerability, paving the way for shared encouragement as we bear one another’s varied burdens and point one another to Christ.

Finally, unwanted singleness is not just a situation to leverage or a trial to be endured faithfully – it is also a loss worth grieving before the Lord.

Loss

As years have passed and my singleness remains, some counsel I’ve found to be quite scarce for those who desire to be married is to grieve the sense of loss that sets in when marriage doesn’t come. But the Bible shows us how to respond to the losses in our lives: lamenting to the Lord. 

We see the practice of lament throughout scripture.^[5] It is a prominent aspect of living in relationship with God in the midst of a broken world. Lament is not about wallowing in a place of despair or depression. It is about being honest before the Lord when His good character and our painful circumstances don’t seem to make sense. It involves turning to God, bringing our complaints to Him, asking Him for help, and choosing to trust Him.^[6] Mark Vroegop puts it this way:

“Lament is a prayer in pain that leads to trust. Throughout the Scriptures, lament gives voice to strong emotions that believers feel because of suffering. It wrestles with the struggles that surface. Lament typically asks at least two questions: 1) ‘Where are you, God?’ 2) ‘If you love me, why is this happening?’”^[7]

I have always wanted to marry young and have children young – but that has not been God’s plan for me. Do I regret how my life has turned out? Absolutely not. I see God’s faithfulness to me in a thousand ways. I can look back on my life and say: “the Lord is upright; He is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in Him” (Psalm 92:15). And yet, sometimes, I feel deeply the loss of what could have been: “my days are past; my plans are broken off, the desires of my heart” (Job 17:11). I will never marry young or have children in my twenties. Those years are gone. The possibility of having children around the same time as my siblings and closest friends is slipping away. The possibility of having any biological children at all is slipping away. At times, that’s deeply sad to me – and that’s okay.

John Piper said, “Occasionally, weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life He’s given you.”^[8] Ecclesiastes says there is a time to weep. Jesus wept. The Psalms and prophets are full of laments. Indeed, “the Bible gives us permission to weep deeply over the life we hoped we would have, and not feel ashamed of that hope or disappointment.”^[9] We should allow ourselves to lament the loss that comes with unwanted singleness. Lament is the way God has designed for us to process pain, and lament is also a doorway to wisdom.

Ecclesiastes 7:4 says, “The house of the wise is in the house of mourning.” Why is that? Because the world is broken, and so are we. To lament is to live in reality. We often ignore it, but when sorrow comes, it serves as a “reorientation to the brokenness that lies underneath all of our lives.”^[10] It reminds us that we live in a world with unexplainable pain and forces us to wrestle with God about it. Lament is not only a balm to soothe our souls, it is also smelling salts to rouse our hearts. It awakens us to the realities of sin, suffering, loss, and pain – and also to the greater realities of the gospel, hope, redemption, and heaven. Lament is the way God brings healing to our souls, and it is also a way He imprints wisdom deeply on our hearts.

Faithfulness – Ours and God’s

Unwanted singleness is a loaded gift. It has a freeing simplicity, but it also has unanswered questions, hopes deferred, and gradual losses. Our call is to be faithful with whatever God gives us. In the parable of the stewards, the master gives each servant talents to work with. For those who stewarded them well, the master’s response was, “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21).

Part of stewarding faithfully is rightly identifying the talents we have. We often talk about being faithful with the advantages of singleness, but neglect talking about being faithful with the trials and losses. All of them are gifts from the hand of God. If we are single and don’t want to be, it is not an accident. God is not overlooking us. He is purposely giving us something. When He gives us unwanted singleness, it is like He is giving us three talents labeled gift, trial, and loss. We should be faithful with all of them. We respond faithfully to the gift of unwanted singleness when we use our single years for strategic kingdom service. We respond faithfully to the trial of unwanted singleness when we endure with patience and steadfastness, linking arms with brothers and sisters who also have trials of various kinds. We respond faithfully to the loss of unwanted singleness when we don’t ignore it, but lament it.

When I was 21 I couldn’t imagine being single into my 30’s – yet, here I am. It’s easy to look back and see God’s faithfulness; it’s harder to look forward and trust that it will be there. But because of Christ, I can say: “As for You, O Lord, You will not restrain Your mercy from me; Your steadfast love and Your faithfulness will ever preserve me” (Psalm 40:11). The Lord will not restrain His mercy from me. If what I need is grace for unwanted singleness for 2 more years or 50 more – I will have it.

For as long as we have unwanted singleness, we have a multi-faceted gift. Let us faithfully and humbly steward it – and also hold it loosely. The gift of singleness has an expiration date, whether in this life or the next. We have no idea what gifts God has in store for our lives on earth, but we know exactly what He has in store for faithful stewards: “Enter into the joy of your master” (Matthew 25:21).

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^[1] Sam Allberry, 7 Myths About Singleness (Wheaton: Crossway, 2019), p. 37.

^[2] See John Piper’s sermon “Single In Christ” for more comprehensive teaching on the advantages of singleness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvhsYU1p3a8

^[3] See Matthew 19:4-6; Ephesians 5:31-32

^[4] Jayne Clark. “The ‘Gift’ of Singleness.” Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation, accessed March 10, 2021, https://www.ccef.org/the-gift-of-singleness/

^[5] Job 3, 6-7, 10, 16, 23, 26, 30, 31; Psalm 3, 5, 6, 10, 22, 35, 42, 43, 44, 69, 74, 80, 88, 94, 102, 137, 143; Jeremiah 12:1-4, 15:18; Lamentations; Micah 7; Habakkuk 1:1-4.

^[6] Mark Vroegop, Dark Clouds Deep Mercy (Wheaton: Crossway, 2019), p. 29.

^[7] Vroegop, 28.

^[8] John Piper. “Embrace the Life God Has Given You.” Desiring God, accessed March 10, 2021, https://www.desiringgod.org/embrace-the-life-god-has-given-you

^[9] Lore Wilbert, Sleeping Alone, 68, https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5877a990725e25a56603b679/t/5a665556e2c48324bb327296/1516655969414/Sleeping+Alone.pdf

^[10] Vroegop, 91.