Doing incredibly glorious things does not always feel glorious. In fact, I think it seldom does.
The widow and her 2 mites probably did not feel glorious as she offered her little all. But Christ glorified her faithfulness with His acceptance of her offering.
When the woman comes and anoints Jesus with an alabaster jar full of oil, she is shamed by the disciples. Jesus tells them that not only was this embarrassing moment of hers actually lovely, but that wherever the gospel goes, so will the story of what she has done. It will be told in memory of her. And it is.
We can still offer our everything to Christ, however small it seems, and have Him glorify it forever. It is what He does.
Years ago, when my parents purchased some land, dad bought a field and brush mower. It was huge and self-powered. It could mow over saplings 3 inches thick. It was a beast. And when you mowed with it, you felt yourself jogging behind a thing that was well out of control as you did your noble best to not mow down the orchard.
I have thought of this many times as an example of what faithfulness feels like. It feels like out of control. It feels like thanking God breathlessly for things that you think were a bad idea. It feels like struggling to keep up and being sure that you aren’t doing a great job. It feels like not really seeing the vision for what you’re doing.
And yet, whenever you look over your shoulder, where you expect to see the devastation of your poorly executed job, what you see instead is a beautiful garden growing. Faithfulness does not feel like what it is accomplishing.
We have gotten so consumed with feelings needing to be pleasant that we have discarded the generally unpleasant feelings of faithfulness: ‘It doesn’t feel good, so it cannot be good.’ But discarding the feelings of faithfulness discards the fruits of it.
When we embrace the fact that obedience now is always the calling of a Christian, we find that we have more than enough to do. We are not to be the lost travelers hanging out at all the bus stations of life, looking for our potential ticket to something that matters. Read the Word. Obey the Word. Obey it now. Obey it again.
This is a call to grab the handle of the great gardening machine called obedience and let the glory of God power you through a great number of 3-inch tree trunks. Hang on. Obey Him. Watch the chips fly, feel them sting on your shins, and occasionally, look behind you to see the beauty that God is accomplishing in your obedience – because it will be genuinely glorious. Laugh at your own small part in His glorious design. Rejoice in Your Savior, who does much with your little, and simply hang on to Him with a willing spirit.
If you had told me when I was 21 that I would still be unmarried at 33, I may have actually died. I have always wanted to get married and have children. By God’s grace, I’ve truly enjoyed much of my single years, but the desire for marriage has always been there. I know I’m not the only person who desires marriage and children but is still single. It’s a strange path to walk when you’re 21 and all your friends are getting married. It’s stranger when you’re 33 and the kids you used to babysit start getting married before you do!
Walking through unwanted singleness into my thirties has forced me to think more carefully about the Bible’s teaching on marriage, singleness, and disappointment in general. Over the years, I’ve come across biblical resources that have helped put the desire for marriage in its proper place and encouraged me to live my single years with an eternal perspective. But what would the whole counsel of God’s Word say to the person who desires a God-glorifying marriage, is committed to finding a spouse with biblical wisdom, and yet, marriage does not come?
It has been helpful for me to think through unwanted singleness in three biblical categories: gift, trial, and loss. Recognizing the different dimensions of unwanted singleness helps pinpoint how the Bible speaks to each aspect. As always, God’s Word is sufficient and equips us for faithfulness.
Gift
The most popular passage about singleness is found in 1 Corinthians 7. Paul says, “I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another” – referring to either the gift of singleness or the gift of marriage (1 Corinthians 7:7). There has been much debate surrounding what exactly the “gift of singleness” means, but if we stick close to scripture, we can clear up a lot of confusion.
According to the Bible, the gift of singleness is an external circumstance, not an internal disposition. The word “gift” is mentioned one time in 1 Corinthians 7, and it is in reference to the state of being single or the state of being married. Paul says people either have the gift of marriage or the gift of singleness – a marital circumstance given from God. So, if we are single, we currently have that gift. If we are married, we currently have that gift.
Later in the chapter, Paul points out some advantages of being single:
“The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:32b-34
Sam Allberry provides helpful insight on these verses: “Paul is not saying that singleness is spiritual and marriage is unspiritual. Nor is he saying that singleness is easy but marriage is hard. No, the contrast is between complexity and simplicity. Married life is more complicated; singleness is more straightforward.”[1]
Paul observes that single people do not have the built in complexity that married people do and are generally free – in their less complex lives – to engage in the things of the Lord in a unique, focused way. According to Paul, and the witness of the rest of scripture,[2] singleness is a great advantage in the kingdom of God. It is an opportune situation to be about the things of the Lord.
Because there is often so much baggage surrounding the term “gift of singleness,” it may be helpful to see how a biblical definition corrects some common ways of misunderstanding it. Here are a few things the gift of singleness is not.
1)Singleness is not permanent. Because the gift of singleness is simply our current situation, it can change. If a single person desires to get married, it is not wrong to date or pursue marriage. Paul encourages those who desire to get married to get married (1 Corinthians 7:9), and the Bible affirms a high view of marriage.[3] While marriage can be idolized just like anything else, those who want to get married desire something God created, instituted, and said is good. Whether or not a person ever gets married on earth is ultimately in the Lord’s hands. But singleness, just like marriage, is temporary. In the new heavens and the new earth, believers will all be “the Bride, the wife of the Lamb” (Revelation 21:9).
2) Singleness is not our master. Having the gift of singleness does not mean that a single person should be a frantic ministry machine. Singleness is not our master – God is. Single people are still image bearers to whom the rest of God’s Word applies. Singles should use their unique margin and flexibility for kingdom building, but they should also engage in biblical rest and deeply enjoy life to the glory of God (Exodus 20:8-11, Ecclesiastes 5:18-20). Single people are also not paying their singleness dues and once they’ve served enough, they’ll get the gift of marriage. Both marital statuses are gifts given – or taken away – based on God’s wisdom and prerogative, not performance.
3) Singleness is not a spiritual gift. Lifelong singleness, or a season of it, is not a spiritual gift to be exercised, but simply a circumstance in which to be faithful to God:
“Spiritual gifts are meant to build up the body of Christ. Obviously, singles are to strengthen the church too—but not by virtue of being single. Rather, singles do it by exercising their spiritual gifts, just like everyone else. Your singleness isn’t a spiritual gift then, but it is a gift from God, one He wants you to receive and enjoy with thanksgiving. If you’re single, your singleness is a gift; if you’re married, your marriage is a gift. If your marital status changes, God has given you a different situation within which to follow Him.” [4]
Single people should be using their spiritual gifts while they are unmarried, knowing that if God chooses to provide a spouse for them, they will be using those same gifts in a different setting.
Singleness is our gift if it is the current situation God has for us. We do well to thank Him for it, enjoy it worshipfully, and leverage its advantages for the kingdom of God. But unwanted singleness is a gift in another sense as well. Christians believe that everything in our lives come to us from the hand of God, including the things we don’t want. So, if we have singleness when what we actually desire is marriage, we have a trial – a particular kind of gift. Thankfully, the Bible has a lot to say about these kinds of gifts.
Trial
Troubles and trials are an enormous theme in scripture. Ultimately, all pain is a result of the fall of man, but God promises to use hardship in the life of the believer to grow our faith and produce maturity. In God’s wisdom and love, He turns trials into faith building exercises for His people on their way to glory. While unwanted singleness is a light trial in comparison to others, the muscle needed to walk through unwanted singleness is the same muscle needed to walk through any unwanted thing: the muscle of faith.
Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” The thing “hoped for” and “not seen” here is not marriage. This verse is talking about all of God’s promises to those who believe in Him. God has not promised us marriage, pleasant circumstances, or many other things we may want. But He has promised us infinitely more glorious things: forgiveness of sin, fellowship with Him, an eternal place in His family, a role to play in the growth of that family, sustaining and comfort in every trial, an inheritance in heaven that is unfading and imperishable, a day when tears and sorrow will be gone, and the absolute confidence that we will not be disappointed with how our lives played out.
Whatever trial we are going through is not essentially about the trial. It’s about us and God. Do we trust Him? Do we believe His Word? Are we living for His kingdom or our own? Instead of focusing only on Paul’s words about singleness to gain wisdom for unwanted singleness, we should look also at what the Bible says about living the ordinary Christian life – which includes unwanted circumstances and daily walking by faith. These concepts take up much more space in our Bibles than teaching on singleness does, and we would be wise to order our reading and teaching accordingly.
Seeing unwanted singleness as a trial also helps those in the body of Christ truly relate to one another – not based on our unique trials, but on our common faith. For example, I know very few women my age that are still single – and I do find encouragement in godly women who share my circumstance. But I have found a jackpot of encouragement in sharing life with believers in my local church who are living with trials of various kinds. We may have an assortment of unwanted circumstances, but we share the same source of strength: the promises of God. For single people, our best comrades may not be other single people — but fellow Christ-followers who are holding fast to the Word of God in the midst of their own struggles.
Let us not miss out on an opportunity to exercise our faith and receive the ministry of the body of Christ. When we see unwanted singleness only for its advantages and not its hardships, we ignore reality and hinder the growth of faith muscles. We also miss out on mutual ministry among believers. Chances are, there is an area in every Christian’s life that is hard for them to trust God with – whether it’s singleness or something else. The married and the unmarried can find common ground through mutual vulnerability, paving the way for shared encouragement as we bear one another’s varied burdens and point one another to Christ.
Finally, unwanted singleness is not just a situation to leverage or a trial to be endured faithfully – it is also a loss worth grieving before the Lord.
Loss
As years have passed and my singleness remains, some counsel I’ve found to be quite scarce for those who desire to be married is to grieve the sense of loss that sets in when marriage doesn’t come. But the Bible shows us how to respond to the losses in our lives: lamenting to the Lord.
We see the practice of lament throughout scripture.[5] It is a prominent aspect of living in relationship with God in the midst of a broken world. Lament is not about wallowing in a place of despair or depression. It is about being honest before the Lord when His good character and our painful circumstances don’t seem to make sense. It involves turning to God, bringing our complaints to Him, asking Him for help, and choosing to trust Him.[6] Mark Vroegop puts it this way:
“Lament is a prayer in pain that leads to trust. Throughout the Scriptures, lament gives voice to strong emotions that believers feel because of suffering. It wrestles with the struggles that surface. Lament typically asks at least two questions: 1) ‘Where are you, God?’ 2) ‘If you love me, why is this happening?’”[7]
I have always wanted to marry young and have children young – but that has not been God’s plan for me. Do I regret how my life has turned out? Absolutely not. I see God’s faithfulness to me in a thousand ways. I can look back on my life and say: “the Lord is upright; He is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in Him” (Psalm 92:15). And yet, sometimes, I feel deeply the loss of what could have been: “my days are past; my plans are broken off, the desires of my heart” (Job 17:11). I will never marry young or have children in my twenties. Those years are gone. The possibility of having children around the same time as my siblings and closest friends is slipping away. The possibility of having any biological children at all is slipping away. At times, that’s deeply sad to me – and that’s okay.
John Piper said, “Occasionally, weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life He’s given you.”[8] Ecclesiastes says there is a time to weep. Jesus wept. The Psalms and prophets are full of laments. Indeed, “the Bible gives us permission to weep deeply over the life we hoped we would have, and not feel ashamed of that hope or disappointment.”[9] We should allow ourselves to lament the loss that comes with unwanted singleness. Lament is the way God has designed for us to process pain, and lament is also a doorway to wisdom.
Ecclesiastes 7:4 says, “The house of the wise is in the house of mourning.” Why is that? Because the world is broken, and so are we. To lament is to live in reality. We often ignore it, but when sorrow comes, it serves as a “reorientation to the brokenness that lies underneath all of our lives.”[10] It reminds us that we live in a world with unexplainable pain and forces us to wrestle with God about it. Lament is not only a balm to soothe our souls, it is also smelling salts to rouse our hearts. It awakens us to the realities of sin, suffering, loss, and pain – and also to the greater realities of the gospel, hope, redemption, and heaven. Lament is the way God brings healing to our souls, and it is also a way He imprints wisdom deeply on our hearts.
Faithfulness – Ours and God’s
Unwanted singleness is a loaded gift. It has a freeing simplicity, but it also has unanswered questions, hopes deferred, and gradual losses. Our call is to be faithful with whatever God gives us. In the parable of the stewards, the master gives each servant talents to work with. For those who stewarded them well, the master’s response was, “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21).
Part of stewarding faithfully is rightly identifying the talents we have. We often talk about being faithful with the advantages of singleness, but neglect talking about being faithful with the trials and losses. All of them are gifts from the hand of God. If we are single and don’t want to be, it is not an accident. God is not overlooking us. He is purposely giving us something. When He gives us unwanted singleness, it is like He is giving us three talents labeled gift, trial, and loss. We should be faithful with all of them. We respond faithfully to the gift of unwanted singleness when we use our single years for strategic kingdom service. We respond faithfully to the trial of unwanted singleness when we endure with patience and steadfastness, linking arms with brothers and sisters who also have trials of various kinds. We respond faithfully to the loss of unwanted singleness when we don’t ignore it, but lament it.
When I was 21 I couldn’t imagine being single into my 30’s – yet, here I am. It’s easy to look backand see God’s faithfulness; it’s harder to look forward and trust that it will be there. But because of Christ, I can say: “As for You, O Lord, You will not restrain Your mercy from me; Your steadfast love and Your faithfulness will ever preserve me” (Psalm 40:11). The Lord will not restrain His mercy from me. If what I need is grace for unwanted singleness for 2 more years or 50 more – I will have it.
For as long as we have unwanted singleness, we have a multi-faceted gift. Let us faithfully and humbly steward it – and also hold it loosely. The gift of singleness has an expiration date, whether in this life or the next. We have no idea what gifts God has in store for our lives on earth, but we know exactly what He has in store for faithful stewards: “Enter into the joy of your master” (Matthew 25:21).
[1] Sam Allberry, 7 Myths About Singleness (Wheaton: Crossway, 2019), p. 37.
I’ve recently started doing more freelance writing work. You can read more about it here. Keep me in mind if you or anyone you know needs help with a writing project!
The murder of George Floyd on May 25 sent America reeling. Opinions on racism, prejudice and justice have flooded our social media feeds and news outlets. Many see this tragedy as yet another instance of racism and oppression, but others insist that the statistics on police brutality and crime debunk that this event is connected to a larger problem.
How should Christians view these issues?
I hope to provide some biblical lenses with which to see issues like prejudice and racism. Everything that could be said on this subject cannot be said here. This post does not address the important topic of justice, nor does it expound on the depth of the evils that have occurred in history due to racism. The issues I’ve chosen to discuss are ones I’ve needed biblical clarity on, and I hope to encourage Christians to thoughtfully consider some of what the Bible does (and doesn’t) say about these things. While literal racial reconciliation was accomplished in Christ (Ephesians 2:13-19), the Bible has much to say about how Christians should view prejudice, ethnic and socioeconomic tensions, diversity, and unity.
A Lens: Partiality
The term “racism” isn’t in the Bible. It’s important to clarify and define what we mean when we say racism. Here is a scripture I have found very helpful:
“If you really fulfill the law of scripture, ‘you shall love your neighbor as yourself,’ you are doing well. But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors.” James 2:8-9
I would suggest that partiality is a biblical way to define what we mean when we say racism. In the context of these verses, James describes treating someone differently based on what they look like. That’s what people usually mean when they talk about racism and prejudice. Here, the Bible gives us a name for it — partiality — and calls it sin.
Notice that this verse says that showing partiality is completely contrary to loving our neighbor as ourselves. We usually think of hate as the opposite of love, which is true, but here, the Bible puts partiality in direct opposition to Christ-like love.
This challenges me. Even if I don’t overtly hate someone of a different ethnicity, do I treat them with partiality and unfair bias? Unfortunately, I have to admit that I do at times. I am naturally self-serving and drawn to things that are comfortable and convenient — so I’m prone to avoiding people that seem difficult for me to connect with. Or, I’ll find myself making an unfair judgement based on how someone looks. This scripture forces me to think through this and to admit that I have sinful tendencies when it comes to partiality. Only when I am aware of that can I confess it and ask the Lord to help me. As I do, I become more aware of the people around me who are different than me. Instead of going along in my self-centered universe, I am prompted to notice others and extend friendship, kindness, and conversation.
Let’s push this a bit further. If we define racism as sinful partiality, perhaps Christians who are repulsed by the idea of systemic racism may be able to stomach the idea of systemic partiality. Is there perhaps evidence of ingrained partiality in our churches and communities? Look around. Do most of the people in your church and community look like you and share your interests and preferences? A lack of diversity is not always a sign that partiality is at play, just as the existence of ethnic diversity is not always a sign that Christian love is at work. But believers have a biblical call to grow in loving people who are different than us — whether that difference is ethnicity, upbringing, or interests. The concept of partiality applies to much more than just the black community specifically, but it certainly does not apply to less than them. Diversity for diversity’s sake is not a Christian idea — but diversity that comes from Christians who are serious about loving their neighbor is.
I have heard many people sharing statistics on crime and police brutality as arguments against systemic racism. But what statistics do not show are people’s experiences with partiality that are not recorded. Statistics don’t show how many times a black man has gotten pulled over for a “routine traffic stop.” But if you start listening, those are the kinds of stories you will hear (and worse). Yes, statistics and facts are important, but so is listening to our black brothers and sisters. Are we too prideful to admit that partiality plays a role in all of our lives and is something we need to be aware of?
A Lens: Privilege
What about white privilege? God has something to say about the idea of privilege in the book of James.
“Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation, and the rich in his humiliation, because like a flower of the grass he will pass away.” James 1:9-10
Isn’t it interesting that the Bible talks about socioeconomic status? The ESV commentary on this scripture says: “James exhorts the rich to boast in their humiliation, (1) by realizing that their wealth is temporary and that it brings them no advantage before God, and (2) by identifying with the poor in their affliction.”[1]
Whether or not we believe there is such a thing as “white” privilege, the idea of privilege is in scripture. The Bible says that anything that would make us “rich” in the world is to be used for God’s glory and others’ good – especially those who have less than us. The more I have listened to black brothers and sisters describe some of the things they have experienced, the more I am convinced that there are certain advantages that come with being white in America. This does not mean that we “repent” of our whiteness (being white isn’t a sin), nor does it mean we are prideful or ashamed about it. Rather, we acknowledge that any advantage or influence we may have in this world, big or small, is to be used for God’s glory and others’ good.
Not only that, but James says that we should have an attitude of boasting in the fact that whatever worldly advantages we have are fading away. Our pastor recently said it this way in a sermon:
“Revel in the fact that everything you have in this world is fading away. Your business will one day close its doors. All your money will one day be in somebody else’s bank account. Your clothes will be hanging in a thrift store. Your life and your body will decline until its breath is gone. And there’s a sense in which all of that – the very humiliation of it – is something you should revel in. Not like a nihilist, or a self-destructive maniac, but because you are a person who glories in the truth that what is permanent is permanent and what is temporary is temporary, and you’re a person who doesn’t get those confused.”[2]
A Lens: Diversity
Here are a few other scriptures to help us see these issues from a biblical perspective:
“After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, ‘Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!’” Revelation 7:9-10
“For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit. For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.” 1 Corinthians 12:13-20
The Bible is clear that God’s people are a diverse group. The verses in Revelation give us a picture of heaven being made up of people from every nation, tribe, people, and language. The verses in 1 Corinthians specifically speak to how people of different ethnicities, Jews and Greeks, are now part of the same body in Christ. These verses emphasize diversity in the body of Christ. I love how John Piper explains why his church pursues ethnic diversity:
It illustrates more clearly the truth that God created people of all races and ethnicities in His own image (Genesis 1:27).
It displays more visibly the truth that Jesus is not a tribal deity but is the Lord of all races, nations, and ethnicities.
It demonstrates more clearly the blood-bought destiny of the church to be “from every tribe and language and people and nation” (Revelation 5:9).
It exhibits more compellingly the aim and power of the cross of Christ to “reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility” (Ephesians 2:16).
It expresses more forcefully the work of the Spirit to unite us in Christ. “For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit” (1 Corinthians 12:13).[3]
A Lens: Unity
In the second part of the passage in 1 Corinthians, there is an emphasis on unity:
“The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.” (1 Corinthians 12:21-26).
In order to have true unity, Christians must recognize that God has put us in covenantal relationship with people who are different than us – and we are called to unity – with those people. If we are going to have true unity, we need to listen to and love people from other cultures and backgrounds, including our black brothers and sisters. Not an elusive “black community,” but real brothers and sisters in our churches, communities, and neighborhoods. Not all black people are experiencing and responding to events like George Floyd’s murder the same way, and it would be foolish to think that they are.
If we are going to truly love our brothers and sisters, we must have real relationships with them, listen to them, and seek to understand where they are coming from. The passage in 1 Corinthians specifically calls believers to care for the suffering brother and sister. If someone says they are hurting, we should listen, and we should care.
A City on a Hill
The church is called to be salt and light and a city on a hill that cannot be hidden. Our lives should proclaim to the watching world that the sin of partiality can be forgiven and forsaken through Jesus Christ, who calls us to instead walk in true, impartial love of neighbor. The power to lay down preferences and advantages for the sake of others comes from looking to our Savior, who for our sake became poor. True unity and joyful diversity is possible when we share in common the most essential thing about us: reconciliation to God through forgiveness in Jesus Christ.
Let those of us who claim Christ embrace the opportunity before us to grow in self-sacrificial love and Christ-exalting unity with our blood-bought brothers and sisters of other backgrounds and ethnicities. Let us grow in true love of neighbor that draws near to people who are not like us instead of overlooking them. Let us continue to proclaim and showcase the gospel of Jesus Christ to a world that is running in circles: “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin (including partiality) of the world!”
[1]ESV Study Bible, English Standard Version. Crossway, 2011.
[2]Josh de Koning. “How to View Everything You (Don’t) Have.” San Antonio, TX. 5 Apr. 2020. Sermon.
[3]Piper, John. “How and Why Bethlehem Pursues Ethnic Diversity.” Desiring God, 24 January 2007, https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/how-and-why-bethlehem-pursues-ethnic-diversity.
This post is based off of a Breakout Session I did at the 2019 Girl Defined conference. Girl Defined exists to help modern girls understand and live out God’s timeless truth for womanhood. To learn more, click here.
I was once obsessed with a guy. I stalked him on social media. I stalked his family on social media. I purposely went places where I knew I would be around him, and whenever I was around him I made sure I was in his line of sight. The thing was, it seemed to be working! He always made a point to talk to me and was so kind to me. I really thought he was as interested in me as I was in him, only to realize he was being nice to me so he could get close to a friend of mine and ask her out!
This is one of many stories I could tell about how absorbed I was with guys in my younger years. For a lot of young girls, boys are the most prominent thing occupying their mind and heart. Many single women who desire to get married also know this struggle well. Some wear this habit on their sleeves, but many girls secretly obsess over guys without even their closest friends knowing. But even if our hearts stay under other people’s radar, they are never under God’s. He sees our hearts. Do we?
When we expose our preoccupation with guys to the light of God’s word, we start to see what’s really going on under the surface. A biblical perspective shows us at least three things at the heart of our guy obsession: sinful desire, an inflated view of marriage and a deflated view singleness, and a low view of God.
Sinful Desire
If girls are honest, we obsess over guys because we want their attention. There is something about the attention of a guy that makes a girl feel she has worth. I recognized this at a young age and tried to stop relying on guys for worth by believing that God deemed me worthy. Therefore, I didn’t need a boy. But this was the wrong approach altogether. The message of the Bible is not that I’m worthy, but that God is worthy. When we seek attention from boys to feel good about ourselves, we are not only seeking the wrong thing, but have wrong motives. We were not created to draw attention to ourselves or be enamored by our own worth, but to draw attention to God and be enthralled with his. And if we look at scripture, we see that this bent toward self-glory is actually the very root of sin.
We see in Genesis that sin begins with wanting to be like God in a way that God didn’t intend. God said he made man “in his image” (Genesis 1:27). Adam and Eve were already like God in the way that God created them to be. But Satan proposed to them that they could be like God in a different way (Genesis 3:5). Adam and Eve fell for the lie that they could grasp attributes that are only true of God: supreme glory and centrality.
When Adam and Eve chose to pursue their own glory over God’s, all of humanity’s relationship with God was broken (Romans 5:12). Instead of living for the glory of God, we now live for our own. We use a thousand ways to do this, and for many girls, seeking the attention of boys is one of them. A girl’s fixation on a guy is often based completely on a self-centered fantasy and springs up before a girl truly knows a guy or his heart. It’s not grounded on biblical love or even genuine interest in the other person, but on self-serving motives. If we are ever going to be free from obsession with boys, we must recognize that guy-obsession is really self-obsession.
For those who trust in the death of Christ for salvation, we have been rescued from sin and given a new heart with new desires – a heart that desires God again (Ezekiel 36:26-27). It is only because of Christ’s death and resurrection that we can be free from the sinful desires that once enslaved us. We must start with the gospel when talking about guy obsession, because it’s a matter of our hearts being freed from sin. Giving tips on how to not think about boys will do no good to a girl whose heart is still dead in sin, unable to desire God’s glory above her own.
But if we do have a new heart, we are able to walk in God’s commands. We are actually capable of genuinely loving God and loving people. Rather than seeking our own glory, we seek God’s. Instead of focusing on being loved by others, we are free to love others, including the guys we have crushes on. Instead of going into a situation scheming about how to elicit the attention of a boy, we can go in thinking, “How can I love and serve people while I’m here?” and “How can I love this guy as a brother in Christ?”
Inflated View of Marriage and Deflated View of Singleness
Another thing at the root of guy obsession is having an inflated view of marriage and a deflated view of singleness. I have desired to get married for as long as I can remember. Because of that strong desire, I attached my purpose in life to getting married without really even realizing it. Then came the summer after I graduated from college. I was in many of my friends’ weddings that May. Meanwhile, I was in the middle of breaking up with a guy. Here I was, with little of hope of getting married anytime soon, witnessing everyone else’s wedded bliss. I had a choice. I could either fall into despair or get a better perspective.
By God’s grace, I started studying scripture and what it says about marriage, singleness, and God’s purpose for both. I had read and understood early on that God created marriage to reflect his relationship with the church (Ephesians 5:31-32), but hadn’t worked out what that meant practically for me. I began to understand that if marriage was created to reflect what God is doing in the story of redemption, then God’s story of redemption is the priority, not marriage. The love story we are all living in is one where God pursues his bride – the church – with self-sacrificial love and wins her heart completely in the end (Revelation 21:1-4). The Bible also tells us that there is no marriage in heaven (Matthew 22:30). There will be no need for it, because the thing marriage was pointing to all along will have arrived: God and his people together forever.
I also started getting a biblical perspective on singleness. I found a sermon by John Piper[1] that helped me understand Isaiah 54:1, which says:
“‘Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married,’ says the Lord.”
How is a barren, unmarried woman going to bear more children than a fertile, married woman? The chapter right before helps us understand. Isaiah 53 is a prophecy about Christ’s death on the cross. Amidst this powerful passage about Christ bearing our sin and sorrows, scripture says this about Christ: “when his soul makes an offering for guilt, he shall see his offspring” (Isaiah 53:10). His offspring? What offspring? Christ was single and never married. But when Christ came, this is what he told Nicodemus: “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God” (John 3:3, emphasis added). Peter tells us that God “has caused us to be born again to a living hope” (1 Peter 1:3, emphasis added).
God’s family is not grown by physical birth but by hearts reborn through the Spirit of God. Therefore, single people have a major role to play in adding people to God’s family. They may not have physical children that share their blood, but they can tell others about the blood of Jesus and bring them into an eternal family.
We also must broaden our view of how God builds his kingdom. I have found that many women (including myself) who overestimate the importance of marriage tend to underestimate the value of competence and hard work. Here’s what I mean. God has uniquely gifted each of us to serve the church and love our neighbor (1 Corinthians 4:12:4-7, Ephesians 2:10). Getting competent at our gifts will help us serve and love more effectively. So, we should get good at what we’re good at. Leadership, financial savvy and generosity, courage, hospitality, organization, people skills, teaching, wisdom, persuasion, success in the workplace, and skilled craftsmanship are all gifts we see women utilizing for God’s glory throughout scripture (Judges 4:4-10, 17-21, 1 Samuel 25: 32-33, Proverbs 31:10-31, Acts 16:14-16, Acts 18:26, Romans 16:1-2). Marriage and children are absolutely one way that God grows his kingdom, but they are not the only way. Understanding that God also builds his kingdom through industriousness will keep single women from wasting time obsessing over finding a husband and instead, help them get to work.
Low View of God
Lastly, underlying our absorption with guys is a low view of God. When I was 25, I started dating a guy who was a good friend of mine. Things got serious, and eight months into dating he proposed and I said yes. Long story short, we had a lot of conflict during our engagement. I hoped it would get better and we sought help, but things didn’t improve. Three weeks before what was supposed to be our wedding day, I realized that things weren’t changing. We postponed the wedding, and in the end we broke up. It was so painful. I felt like God was dangling one of my dreams in front of me and then snatched it away at the last minute.
During that time, I struggled to trust the Lord with my desire for marriage. Calling off an engagement at 26 felt like a one-way ticket to Spinsterville. I doubted God’s sovereignty, wisdom, and goodness. I was asking questions like: Is God really going to work this out? Could I really trust God’s wisdom and walk away from a relationship that I thought would end in marriage? Did God really have good in store for me?
In my pain and disappointment, I sought the Lord. He showed me that I had a clenched fist around marriage and a loose grip on him. I was somewhat aware of my over-desire for marriage in my teen and college years, but now that a tangible marriage possibility was slipping through my fingers, I had to come face to face with my idolatry.
“I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, ‘I will confess my transgression to the Lord,’ and you forgave the iniquity of my sin” (Psalm 32:5).
As I confessed my sin to the Lord, he healed my heart. Not only did the Lord forgive me, he helped me cling to him instead of marriage, or a career, or anything else. I still desire to get married, but that desire is overshadowed by a desire for God.
I began to trust that God is sovereign and can provide a husband for me whenever he wants to. The Bible says that God calls stars by name, knows every bird on the mountains, watches over deer and mountain goats giving birth, doesn’t let a single bird fall from the sky unless he wants them to, orchestrates all things for his people’s good, and sits in the heavens and does whatever he pleases (Isaiah 40:26, Psalm 50:11, Matthew 10:29, Job 39:1-3, Romans 8:28, Psalm 115:3).
I also began to trust that God is wise and knows exactly what he is doing with my marital status. He is the one who laid the foundations of the earth, not me. His ways are not my ways, his thoughts are not my thoughts, and there are secret things that belong only to him (Job 38:4, Isaiah 55:8, Deuteronomy 29:29).
I also realized, and am still learning, that God really is good and that whatever he gives me is in fact nourishment and not poison. He is the one who satisfies the longing soul and fills the hungry soul with good things. He is a good father who gives good things to his children. In His presence is fullness of joy. He is good to all and his mercy is over all that he has made (Psalm 107:9, Psalm 16:11, Matthew 7:9-11, Psalm 145:8).
Devoted to Christ
Instead of being obsessed with guys, women who follow the Lord are called to something much bigger. We are called to devote ourselves to Christ and expand his kingdom, whether single or married.
In Christ, we desire God’s glory above our own. In Christ, we become spiritual mothers, making and nurturing disciples. In Christ, we do full-hearted work unto the Lord for the good of our neighbor. And in Christ, we see the God who did not withhold his own Son from us, and place our trust in him.
[1]John Piper. “Single in Christ.” 27 Apr 2007. Sermon.
